and the other me doesnt think there is something like pain, its all an illusion that should be endured or something to that effect. i want to go away. i want to be invisible. and live in an invisible world of my own. completely separate from everything else. i would never be hated. i could do what i think is right.if i were god i would do something like make creatures and love them. they would only know niceness. i dont know how would that turn out. i dont know anything, im just too crazy and the reality i was born in is too ugly to just man up. i cant imagine what its like not to be like this for too long. whats it like to see everything turn out as expected, for better or worse, so you can have goals and work towards them. youre not humans or at least not animals, you dream and dreaming for you is reality. i can only experience my dreams in my mind. i dont want this, im sorry, i dont want this, i hate this, i hate myself, i hate my ugly existence. i hate my shit genes, my retarded parents and all the people ive been physically surrounded by, this concrete hell, the smoke, my education (the lac of). i dont know if i have ever wanted friends. i think i was just trying to interact with other people for the sake of interaction, like having friends is a trend, like something everyone has and you have to have them too. im just retarded. i can only close my eyes and shake my head to reality. sometimes i dont know when im having sleeping dreams and when im awake, there was one time i woke up for real and i thought i was still dreaming, it took me a while to realize i was awake, like hours, and another i was dreaming in my sleep and i thought i was still awake. i dont know. i dont know anything. i really love you but ill have to go. i wish i could stay with you, i wish i could touch you and be touched by you, not physically.