im tired of being beat up. i think ill be alone now. ive tried to look for something and find it but i couldnt. get there. its right in front of my nose, i think, but its like i dont have certain basic qualifications that werent even qualifications until now because everyone that passed the main test had them. it sucks but im afraid ill just have to face reality and become a smiling salaryman. what? i mean that there isnt anything good. the only way to avoid all this pain is to give up on these childish ideas. of hugging, telling and being told nice things. heaven. a place of rest. i dont know what it is. and accept the horror of it all. nobody cares. im just a cringy retard and there isnt anything good about me. theres no reason not to hurt. i will never hurt anyone but ill start placing my own well being above that of others and stop thinking were all in this together. or so i say but i dont know if ill be able to go through it. i like you all too much and i just want to be with you. theres no salvation. youre alone. i dont know how else to say it. there arent the right words but if i knew them youd have read them hundreds of times by now.its not what things are supposed to be but im very tired. i feel like a goblin or whatever disgusting creature people cant look at and feel any sympathy for living under a bridge and its always raining hell outside. i hear laughter every now and then and i want to go where people are but i cant move. im not educated but i guess ive read a translated version of the stray dog and some of the lines hit close to home.