i. theres no salvation. you'realone. i dont know what to do. i dont know what to think. why? im so pathetic and cringy. i feel physical pain almost all the time. my body always itches. i cnt brethe, im almost alwways sneezing and coughing, i often wake myself from my nightmares because i break the windows kicking them, i wake up with cuts on my feet and legs. it hurts to sit, to lay on my bed. it hurts to touch anything. i have scars all over my body, i dont even cut myself. people who cut themselves deserve to be loved. its just my skin is too weak and i bleed from the weakest scratch, ive gotten bruises on my thumbs from trying to open water bottles. i didnt know for most of my life this isnt normal. i feel physicl pains in my chest, like there are needles piercing my heart, that theres something squeezing it, i feel something like popcornj in my head, i think theyre mini strokes. because i make a lot of mistakes, like when im typing something and i skip a letter or some punctuation mark. i feel very hot and very cold sometimes, it varies through the day. im allergic to just about anything, there isnt anything that will not make me sneeze or itch. its surreal. its a vision of hell. i dont want this. i hate this. i ant do anything. every time i think of doing something, memories of failure nd frustrtion re brought back. every circuit ends in the idea that this is wrong, that i shouldnt do it because x y z and x y and z are unnaceptable.it might not be innacurate to say ive been taught anything i can or might do is wrong. what else can i do but hug my knees, pull my hair and cry. how do people live, how are they happy, how do they enjoy anything, how do they have emotions. i hope you will all be together forever. i hope you`ll always be happy. its like watching a happy married couple. thats what you all are. its not an insult.im very happy for all of you. im afraid of thinking for myself. im afraid i will end up something i dont want to be right now.