its just my skin is too weak and i bleed from the weakest scratch, ive gotten bruises on my thumbs from trying to open water bottles. i didnt know for most of my life this isnt normal. i feel physicl pains in my chest, like there are needles piercing my heart, that theres something squeezing it, i feel something like popcornj in my head, i think theyre mini strokes. because i make a lot of mistakes, like when im typing something and i skip a letter or some punctuation mark. i feel very hot and very cold sometimes, it varies through the day. im allergic to just about anything, there isnt anything that will not make me sneeze or itch. its surreal. its a vision of hell. i dont want this. i hate this. i ant do anything. every time i think of doing something, memories of failure nd frustrtion re brought back. every circuit ends in the idea that this is wrong, that i shouldnt do it because x y z and x y and z are unnaceptable.it might not be innacurate to say ive been taught anything i can or might do is wrong. what else can i do but hug my knees, pull my hair and cry. how do people live, how are they happy, how do they enjoy anything, how do they have emotions. i hope you will all be together forever. i hope you`ll always be happy. its like watching a happy married couple. thats what you all are. its not an insult.im very happy for all of you. im afraid of thinking for myself. im afraid i will end up something i dont want to be right now. im glad for having this brain, i can imagine things most people can only dream of imagining. i feel bad for you because even if im only a jobless norm or whatever i could have made nice contributions that people supposedly appreciate in science or art. but if i start thinking for myself there wont be a use for things like beauty and love anymore, id lose everything i have for a relief of pain.