>>287071667
>>287067058
>>287065587
Update: It still doesn't fucking work. I now have a powered USB3 hub and ran through the Rift through that but saw no improvement. I've made a ticket with Oculus to try figure this out and am pouring through the Rift logs to see if I can get some clue as to what might happening. 
I'm starting to wonder if maybe a total format of my SSD will do anything to help. I'm not keen on it just yet but if it gets this fucking paperweight to start working I'll do it.