I'm a piece of garbage. Alone and afraid and angry and frustrated. I keep typing and deleting and retyping this post. I don't know how to formulate what I'm feeling. I know I want to share it with someone else, someone who is "like me" so I can feel a little less alone. I've been waiting on a gun for weeks but the panic buying has background checks backed up. It's a shotgun. The little parts of my brain that made me angry and hurt others will be nothing but red slime on a basement wall. Those other little parts of my brain that made me miserable and afraid will be on that wall too. My memories, desires and all that other worthless shit? Wall city. My parents think it's great I want a hobby and have personally recommended several firearms. I don't want to live to watch my sick mother die but I don't want to give her the pain of seeing her son die before her, either. I don't want to live with regret for the things I've done and haven't done and wish I'd done differently. "I wish I had done things differently"– the same words millions of people died thinking before I was born and the same words millions will die thinking after I'm gone. The least exclusive club. Maybe you're part of it. My mind is poisoned. I couldn't possibly live a full life from this point forward and find happiness. I'm just ahead of the curve by ending it early. What was I? A victim of circumstance? A hateful being carefully crafted from a lifetime of self-pity and coddling? How could I sum up my life? Maybe this post is all I need.